Culinary Disasters

What's something you tried related to Food and Cooking™ that ended up being complete shit?
Could be anything from trying a new recipe or an ingredient in a dish to sharting yourself due to getting something new at McDonalds.

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  1. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >try to cook "greek" food with wife's parents in the backyard
    >typical mediterranean food I think?
    >her dad says something about a bottle of tobasco sauce, i dont remember what i say something too also dont remember
    >mother in law hears this and is clearly offended, says her friend is greek and other shit i dont remember, no clue what is going on
    >food comes off the grill, I serve but (I think) it's cold, like stone cold, so they dont eat it
    still to this day dont know wtf happened, I can't remember

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      You abject moron was there any part of that story you actually remembered? Christ.

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Can you post your post again? I can't remember what you said.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Can you post your post again? I can't remember what you said.

      based early-onset dementia anon

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      What a story

  2. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    When I was just starting to learn how to cook for real I made a huge pot of macaroni and cheese for my family and used all of the cheese we had and then at the end for some moronic monkey reason I sprinkled some cumin in it and it completely ruined the dish. It was just cumin noodles with no taste of cheese to be found.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      I did exactly this with mashed potatoes on thanksgiving 5 years ago. Sad day. They don't let me do cooking for the family anymore.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      https://i.imgur.com/JbzsWKH.png

      I did exactly this with mashed potatoes on thanksgiving 5 years ago. Sad day. They don't let me do cooking for the family anymore.

      why is cumin so powerful bros

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Why cumin of all things? You probably could have salvaged it by using milk or cream and some cracked pepper and nutmeg. That's a pretty common way of cooking macaroni in Sweden.

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        I don't know. like some other people in the thread I was a kid. I suppose I didn't understand how strong cumin was at the time.

        • 2 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          Fair, it doesn't take much for it to overpower everything else. I've made the mistake of too much cumin when I made some goat stew and it was basically impossible to fix.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      that's good though, everything savory should just taste like cumin.

  3. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    yep I hate it when I try cooking plastique and it detonates before I can bottle it

  4. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I tried reconciling with my parents (disowned my sister and myself) because of something someone said here and it didn't work at all
    Also, these shits. Tried them based off anon rec and they just tasted like a peanut butter flavored protein bar, but minus any nutritional value

  5. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Subway had a "reuben" with most vile, gristly stringy, unchewable corned beef and I'm almost gagging just thinking about it.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      You went to spyro's subway bro

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Reminds me of Subway's attempt at brisket. Paper thin slices, no smoke flavor, absolute shit when you can get actual brisket bbq for that price from a bbq joint.

  6. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I'm planning to make macaroni and cheese using feta and mozzarella. It's still a couple of weeks away in my meal plan, but I'm preparing for the worst. Just as I've typed this, I'm starting to consider adding some bleu cheese.

  7. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >years ago
    >Inexperienced young adult, but trying to get into cooking with zero experience.
    >Decide to make "stir fried rice"
    Add good amount of butter to large pan, have my veggies pre-cut. Things seem good so far.
    >My brain thought for some reason uncooked rice would actually cook fully in a buttered frying pan, and be like hibachi style rice.
    >End up wasting 2 hours of time, and probably $15 of ingredients between the veggies, rice, etc.
    >Feel like biggest moron on the planet as I was trying to cook for my older gf at the time by being nice.
    >End up ordering chinese food instead
    She was nice about it, and that was a long time ago. Just didn't understand the fundamentals of rice cooking at all, and decided to just wing it lmao. Still cringe at wasting the ingredients though. Live and learn. I have another story that's worse, but not due to inexperience.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      You literally did the thing pioneers heading out west did during the Gold Rush, they put rice in a pot with no water and didn't understand why it burned instead of becoming soft because their wives did all the cooking

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        That's pretty funny, and interesting. I know now it's better to cook (with water, or even better broth), and then fry it later with plenty of butter. Here is the second disaster.
        >Purchase chest freezer years ago during the start of covid to stockpile meat
        >Freezer runs great, purchase bulk meats from sams club, it's getting used, etc.
        >Fast forward about 3 months
        >Walk into room to check freezer or pull out some meat to thaw.
        >Catch odor as I get near chest freezer.
        >Open up top door to reveal about $450 of steaks, wings, sausage, pork, and chicken all leaky, and rotted due to freezer having been unpluggrd somehow
        >Didn't need food for a few days during peak summer, and the food all went bad.
        >Had to put on gloves, and remove the rotted meat packages into large garbage bags, then drag the sloshing chest freezer filled with meat rot juice outside to be bleaced/hosed down.
        >Chest freezer was great quality, and made a full recovery. Runs wicked quiet hence missing it getting turned off.
        The only solace I have from that was I had SNAP during peak covid at one point, and got a good amount of gubbament funded food to rectify what was lost. I still have no idea how it got unplugged, and it keeps me up at night at times losing all that money/meat. Hurts the soul. Pray it nevers hapoens to anyone else. Freezer's still kicken though. With added power failsafes.

  8. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    2 years ago I had to spend christmas alone for the first time ever and I thought I'd make a traditional finnish xmas dinner for myself. Pretty much everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.
    >buy shitty casseroles and salmon from lidl as everything better is already sold out
    >prepare ham with a brand new xmas present knife, slice fingertip off
    >pass out from pain while the casseroles are in the oven, burn them
    >salmon is funky, eat anyways, diarrhea
    Next time I'll probably just order a pizza.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      How is it that so many of you people fall asleep while preparing food?

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Alcohol and/or drugs were involved

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        I'm not a doctor, but I think passing out from pain of slicing a fingertip off is a bit different than falling asleep

        • 2 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          I've only cut myself a handful of times cooking, and one time was a pretty decent chunk of finger. Trying to chop green onions of all things.
          Still never passed out or stopped cooking. I wrapped the wound, made sure it wasn't leaking and kept going.

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            Not that guy, but I have a low blood pressure and even a small cut can make me feel dizzy and possibly faint. Might be similar case with that fella.

  9. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    one time i used extra virgin olive oil to make mayonnaise

  10. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >get drunk
    >get 2 frozen chicken pot pies that had unknowingly gone bad
    >smash them up in a saucepan
    >mix in a lot of various cheeses to the point where it's half cheese half smashed pie goulash
    >eat it
    >realize the chicken is completely bad and the whole thing is garbage
    >throw up
    >go to sleep hungry
    >lungs and shoulders hurt for a full day afterwards and I can barely move
    >survive

  11. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    my mom was helping me make brownies while she was on the phone. i told her to add half a cup of flour to the mix, and she thought i said 1 and a half cups

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Had a project for high school Spanish class of making “Spanish” food, I chose churros for some reason but the batter (from the random internet recipe) turned out really dense and when I put it in oil the batter exploded and a piece got stuck to the ceiling - the churro piece was still there when the house was sold a decade later.

      Did you still bake it (or convert it into a triple batch)?

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        i baked it, and i am waiting for it to cool down to see what will happen. i think it will turn out okay since there was extra oil and some added alcohol which will dilute the flour

        • 3 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          update: it wasn't too bad, the bigger problem was that i made it too sweet

  12. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >decide to make a Moroccan-style dish
    >Internet recipe calls for preserved lemons
    >I misread recipe, use fresh lemons instead
    >finished dish is inedibly bitter from all the fresh lemon pith I added
    >throw it out, order pizza instead

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      same shit different recipe
      >making lemon meringue pie for gf
      >read some online recipe, calls for 6 lemons and half a cup of salt
      >balk but never made this before so trust it and cook
      >try some
      >pie was the sourest thing i've ever tasted
      >turns out they wanted sweetened lemon juice (???)
      >left it in the kitchen for a few hours while i cleaned the house, ants swarm it and i have to get rid of a shit pie and ants
      serves me right for not cleaning up fast enough

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Sort of similarly, I made a batch of cornbread one time, then wrapped the leftovers tight in foil to leave it out on the counter overnight. Came down the next morning to find a weevil in the middle of my cornbread. Guess I didn't wrap it tight enough.

  13. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I have never successfully cooked bacon in my life. It always turns out horribly.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Use oven

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Cook it slower than you think you should. I cook bacon on the stovetop on medium-low heat max. It takes time but the fat renders nicely and you have a little window between undercooked and overcooked to take it out when it's how you like it. Or if you're making more than a few slices, like anon said you can do it in the oven.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Just do it right bro

  14. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >try to make churros when I was 12
    >didnt have the proper tools to make the actual churro shape so I shat out logs with a piping bag into the oil
    >the outside cooked almost instantly while the inside remained raw
    >as a result one of them explodes throwing burning oil all over, a drop almost hits my eye
    >realise shits about to get worse
    >run out of kitchen just in time for the rest of them to start exploding also
    >peek into kitchen after the explosions seem done and theres oil and dough all over the ceiling and all over the walls
    >have to spend days cleaning and shit
    Thats how I learned to respect oil and why churros have that shape. Thankfully no lasting burns, couldve been much worse

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >run out of kitchen
      Why do people do this? Panicking is the cause of most kitchen mishaps & injuries.
      Just take the pan off the heat and step away.
      Also it's why you should be using an apron and have a pot holder nearby (don't keep it on the stove, Mr. Magoo!).

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Oh, my bad. I didn't see that you were 12 at the time. I hope that was a lesson well learned.
      Carry on.

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        I'll give you mine.
        >Be me, about ... 12...
        >Home alone.
        >Get hungry and decide to make some fish.
        >Remember recipe I saw in some magazine (don't actually have the magazine. Or recipe)
        >Open a can of tomato paste (not sauce) and put the whole thing in a casserole dish.
        >Lay the fish on top
        >Oops, forgot to preheat the oven.
        >Mom comes home before I can get it into the oven and waste a bunch of food.
        Not a really disaster, but that dish certainly would have been. I don't even remember what kind of fish it was. Probably catfish or god forbid buffalo, the only types we had in the freezer most the time. The bones in buffalo probably would have killed me.
        Also, I didn't bother thawing out the fish. But master chef me still figured I needed to preheat the oven. I think I chose 300, because that seemed high enough to me for some reason.

  15. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >up early half awake
    >decide to make bread
    >put everything together and let breadmaker do its thing
    >several hours later bread done. Try it and find myself confused by taste
    >check counter to make sure I used the right stuff
    >turns out I used the accent shaker and not salt
    I don't do baking until I'm fully awake now

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >breadmaker
      You also dont do baking while fully awake so it's fine

  16. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >be me
    >january 2024
    >have been lactose intolerant since the end of highschool
    >a bit annoying, but it will not stop me from eating cheese and pidzer and MACnCHEESE
    >week has been okay with food. Not eaten too much dairy, but little each day adds up
    >go hang out with my cousin
    >we eat some chick-fil-a
    >specifically with a side of da mac'n'ese
    >best thing on the menu
    >best thing around
    >omw home after chillin
    >start to feel a rumbly in my tumbly
    >not too bad, but I gotta get home soon
    >about 5m away from home I get another rumble
    >no worries, I'm almost home
    >get home
    >now begins a series of little mistakes that compound into my greatest failure and lowest moment in life
    >oh, let me put away my coat
    >oh, let me take off my ring and necklace
    >oh, I should take my wallet out of my pocket
    >in the middle of my room, the rumbling has returned
    >oh, let me take off my watch, I don't wanna poo with that on
    >oh, let me put my hoodie away
    >I'm almost prarie dogging at this point
    >oh, let me take off my gun and holster and put it away
    >oh, no
    >as I'm tossing my phone onto my shelf, I begin to shit myself
    >poop is coming out of my butthole and I am nowhere near the toilet
    >I waddlesprint to the bathroom, inching closer to my demise
    >up the lid, down my pants
    >my final mistake, lowering my pants while faced 90 degrees away from the toilet
    >as soon as the buttcheeks were exposed a deluge of chocolatey goodness evicted itself from my bowels
    >*PLOOP*
    >that was the sound the first round of artillery made as it dropped directly onto the floor, directly onto my bathroom rug
    >the second round, now turned to face the proper direction, landed squarely at 11 O'clock on the toilet seat
    >I think out of all the shit that was in my colon, less than a third of it went into the toilet water
    >I sat, not realizing the damage zone of the second blast, smearing shit all over my right cheek. Another mistake.
    (1/?)

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >next, I moved my foot, as it was in an uncomfortable position and planted it directly in a third, previously unknown pile of dookie, which was obstructed by the angle of my leg. The ghost pile. Another mistake
      >the sock was, needless to say, tossed into the garbage bin immediately
      >it appears that the first fall had split, midair, mind you, into two separate dark-matter bombs
      >throughout all of this, the rest of my clothes remained surprisingly clean. Other than the sock, I only had a little dab of poopoo on the bottom of my pant leg
      >to summarize up until now, floor- shitted on, rug- beyond hope of salvation, asscheek- smeared in shit, sock- defiled, pants- miraculously evaded most damage, my soul and psyche- irreparably damaged, toilet bowl- empty
      >I sat in my filth like a pig; An absolutle swine; And couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculous situation. This was truly one of the moments of my life
      >it was far from over, by the way
      >once I deemed my colon sufficiently empty, I began the clean up
      >I grabbed toilet paper and tried to scoop up the first pile and ghost pile
      >the wonderful taste of Mac'n'Cheese was still in my mouth by this time btw
      >anywho, as I was squatted down, scooping the dookie into the watery grave, I did not realize that I had made yet another mistake
      >I did not clean my ass of shit before the clean up, as I thought the large damage zones would be more pressing
      >this means that while I was squatted down like an indian, little droplets of shit would pepper the floor in previously undamaged areas
      >I only realized this after it was too late
      >eventually, the majority of shit was cleared off the rug, but it still seeped into it, so i knew it was a lost cause
      >I cleaned the toilet seat. I scrubbed the rug with a dozen clorox wipes. I got in the shower to cleanse my soul of the damage I'd done
      >after the water stopped running, the smell was unreal
      (2/?)

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        >stepping out of the shower and into the miasma of my failures was like passing through an oblivion gate
        >I tactfully hopped over the damage zones, opened the window as wide as it goes, and left the door to my bathroom closed the rest of the day
        >I did not want anyone to know of this event, so I waited for my parents to go to work in the morning before I threw away the rug and deepcleaned the floor with chemicals, and left the window open again(middle of jan btw, so it was super cold) go complete wipe the smell
        >when my parents asked me why I didn't wait till I had gotten a new rug in before throwing away the old one, I just responded with "wasn't thinking lol"
        all in all, I'm not too upset about the situation. I got scwifty and it made for a good story to tell Culinaly. I can look back and laugh at my moronation and I needed a new rug anyways since that one was old and damaged already (not from shit)
        I'll never tell someone irl that this happened though, and hopefully it will never happen again. I was watching fishtank s2 when this happened btw. I blame Jet Neptune.
        (3/3)
        Thanks for reading my blog
        You cant unsubscribe
        I still regularly eat Chick-fil-a Mac n' Cheese btw
        I will never stop

  17. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    sometimes when I want to make dinner I end up having reverse dinner, which is puking and shitting uncontrollably because of my alcoholism

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